Turning Disappointments into Intimate Connections

Another Thursday evening, another wonderful evening with the Wowettes.  Yummy food, delightful company, and a speaker who touched us all.  Julie Orlov is the author of "The Pathway To Love - Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery."  When we initially corresponded, she suggested the topic of "Turning Disappointments into Intimate Connections," a subject no other speaker has taught us, so I was intrigued and she seemed genuinely happy and enthusiastic to speak to our group. We were lucky enough to enjoy her company for the pre-speaker potluck and she seemed just like one of us, talkative, sharing, listening, and laughing while enjoying a healthy and hearty meal.


Julie taught us that relationships are all living and breathing life forces, never static, but growing and changing.  Every relationship has a predictable pathway, which if understood, allows us to grow through the challenges quickly and with less pain.  Finally, relationships give many gifts and provide a mirror to help us understand ourselves and grow.  Julie noted that there are three different types of disappointments, which she defined as not having our needs, wants, expectations being met. These three are value-based, with those in the relationship having different sets of values; integrity-based, with the one who disappoints not being reliable or keeping his or her word; and no-based, meaning simply that we don't like to be denied when we want something.


Facing disappointments, we are reminded, Julie says, that life is not fair.  Our reactions to these disappointments teach us who we are, and she told a personal story about how a cousin disappointed her by not planning to attend an important family function.  Julie allowed herself to fully realize what his "no" meant to her, and she choose to confront him in a way that talked about her, how she felt, how much it meant to her to have him attend.  Rather than lashing out and condemning his actions, her recognizing her own reactions and then being so vulnerable to him allowed them a very special moment of closeness that they had not experienced together. She showed us how she practiced her "stop, look, and listen" technique that allows us, when disappointed, to take the time to ask ourselves, "What's at stake for me?" and "What results do I want from this?" and finally seek to understand the other person by really listening, instead of reacting from a place of hurt and emotion.  She reminded us that we are responsible for our own feelings and actions, that we need to own our feelings, forgive the one who disappointed us, and re-open our heart, all of which can increase the depth of our intimacy in the relationship.  Disappointments can hurt and wound us, but we can heal by being compassionate, thinking about the other person's actions and reasons for them, and then understand and accept the other person.  


I was surprised to see how many of the ladies were affected by Julie's teachings, how many have held hurts inside of them and how Julie's words allowed the ladies to feel the pain and start to let it go. Julie's statement that "It's self-love to forgive" seemed to have a profound effect on many of us and I have a hunch those are words we may never forget.  So thanks to the most lovely and kind Julie for an evening of her good company, amazing wisdom, and words that changed our lives.  (You can reach Julie at www.JulieOrlov.com)

Holiday Hopes

Traditions are comforting, something to look forward to, things to cherish.  We in Wow have a tradition for our end-of-the-year Holiday Meeting.  One of our founding Wowettes invites us to meet at her home for a potluck, gift exchange, and a time to share what we want to nurture in our life in the coming year.  Instead of saying "I want to" exercise, lose weight, or whatever it is, we say, "I am," as if it is already becoming reality right now.  Instead of hoping and wishing, we are choosing to already become what we wish for.


Here are some of what the ladies shared.  They said "I am" healthy; glad to be alive after an almost tragic accident; recovering from hip replacement and bilateral mastectomies, but realizing that she is not her body, she is herself....and amazed at how she allowed those who love her to help her; having a relationship with formerly estranged children; finding a new career;  feeling happy with a relationship she had this year that, although it ended, showed her how much she had grown; seeking to strengthen her ties to her religion; welcoming a first great-grandchild; grateful to have become a Wowette and becoming better friends with us; appreciating even the roof over her head; enjoying a calm year; spending more time with family and friends; entertaining more; enjoying a son who just graduated from college and an improving relationship with her daughter; returning to past pleasures, such as art and singing; and after being widowed, finally connecting with friends and family and her true self....and a new puppy!


As I listened to the ladies sharing out loud to the group, I was awed by how similar we are and especially how much so many of the ladies expressed their appreciation for our group.  I realized we all need friends, who are our mirrors and our nurturers.  I realized how many challenges we still have, but how we all still want to live life fully.  For me, I shared that I wanted to be more open, more honest, more vulnerable.  And, amazingly, I just booked a speaker for our next meeting who suggested exactly that as her topic.  There are no coincidences in life, are there?  As eclectic as our group is, the love and care we share with each other is, yes, wonderful.  And here we are!

A happy plug.

Happy holidays to all!  Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanza, whatever you celebrate, it's a season of miracles, family, and joy.  I don't have a big family, but the one I do have is happy and fun and brings me ooodles of happiness.  Sometimes, I wish I had that big noisy family, the one that gathers and cooks and watches football and share as each others' babies grow up and mostly just love each other.  But most of us don't have all that, so it's good to appreciate just what we have.  So many have so much less.


I didn't celebrate Christmas until I was nineteen and I never really understood Chanukah as a child, but I did get a gift. My birthday falls in that period of time, so sometimes it was a Chanukah-Birthday gift all in one, but I'm all grown up now and have to be grateful that my own daughter has created a warm and lovely holiday, full of traditions, and her own family that enjoys it all.  And that they like to have me help celebrate with them.


Mostly, really, our happiness comes in what we ourselves create, not from what is given to us by birth.  I had one of those experiences last night, an evening with a new friend I loved as soon as I met her,  at an evening of music and fun and sweets.  Two of the ladies in Wow are members of Sentimental Journey,  an amazing group of singers.  They are available for parties, events, birthdays, and any time when you'd want to be have entertainment that makes you laugh, brings back happy memories, and is worth any drive or price to hear and see.  My friend and I saw their holiday show last night and, although I've attended several of their performances in the past, I continue to be amazed at their varied choices of songs, their joy at performing, and their harmony which is, really, truly, angelic. Sometimes I just close my eyes when they sing so that I can hear every part of their harmonies, it's so beautiful.  And I realized that, not only is their show a pleasure to hear and watch, it really makes the me happy. So, this is my unabashed plug.  If you need a really fun show for your next special event. check out their website at www.sentimentaljourneyla.com, where you can even listen to them singing a holiday song or buy their CD, and send them an email at SentimentaljourneyLA@gmail.com or call Karen at 818-362-7419.

My wishes for you all are a healthy new year, many moments to make you smile, and happy times with friends and family.

Joys Shared.

It's that time of year.  Shop too much, eat too much, work too hard, get wet in the surprise rain, be sad about not having holidays like the movies, sending out cards, and sometimes feeling bad about not having a mate to share what is supposed to be a happy coupled time.  So, for this month's Wow meeting, we put all that aside and gave thanks.  Thanks for something that happened this year that made us glad, something good that happened that we didn't expect, and even the littlest things we remember to remember each day that give our life meaning and value.


After a particularly yummy potluck, we gathered in a circle to share our blessings for all to hear.  A few of the ladies are welcoming new grandchildren and one is welcoming her first great-grandbaby.  One worked her usual challenging hours in a difficult job and managed to complete a yoga instructor's course.  One was grateful to be alive and barely injured after a car accident, another after a slip-and-fall head injury.  One survived cancer surgery with chemo and radiation, along with a hip replacement, all with a cheerful attitude...and not only realized that she was more than her body, but that it was really OK to allow others to help and love her through her hard times.  One was proud to have had a potential relationship that she stopped after only four months when she realized it would never work...and yet realizing she liked who she was in the relationship. One was grateful for a "calm" year, the ability to do whatever she pleased without having to consult a mate, and that she still had her job in such a tough economy.  One was grateful for returning to singing, a pleasure she had not allowed herself since high school.  One realized she was finally recovering from the passing of her husband and was finding herself, learning who she really is...and choosing to adopt a new puppy. And one was grateful to have finally come to accept her three year relationship with a very nice guy, finally not wanting more, but choosing to enjoy exactly what they shared.


The most prevalent topic of gratitude was our families, how relationships with daughters were being repaired and renewed, how one finally had created a close relationship with her daughter-in-law, and especially how one whose daughter was becoming her friend after many years of estrangement. It was almost if these relationships between mothers and daughters were changed magically and surprisingly this year...and each woman was especially appreciative of whatever brought them closer to those they love so much.


Even more touching to me was that so many of the ladies expressed their appreciation to me for holding this group for so many years and to the other women for being so open and kind, that the sharing of one's trials and accomplishments enriched the lives of the others.  Just hearing about another's struggles and joys seemed to touch the hearts of each of us, that maybe we were lucky not to have suffered their particular troubles, that maybe we are pretty blessed after all.


For me, I'm warmed and touched that the women come as strangers and yet share their hearts with each other....and that we are all so changed and uplifted and enriched by their openness and their honesty.  We really do need each other.  We really do.  Oh, what am I most grateful for?  That my now 40-year-old beautiful curly-haired daughter is happy and healthy, has a wonderful husband, and is starting to find her  passions, realize her  strengths, and has continued to allow me to enjoy the company of these two amazing 8-year-old grandchildren (showing off on the first day of their brand new braces, pain and all, and smiling):

A Luxurious Wow Night

Another Thursday night, another wonderful Wow meeting.  Yummy food, good conversation, giggles, and lots of hugs were shared by the ladies.  


And we were blessed by the company and wisdom of yet another great speaker.  Dr. Shira Miller is a "Concierge Holistic Menopause Physician" in Los Angeles who specializes in "luxurious menopause." She presented a fascinating slide show with the help of her handsome and very nice husband Sean, whose company we also enjoyed during dinner.  According to Dr. Miller, although we are taught that menopause is "normal" and usually occurs around the age of 51,  it is a phenomena of the recent 50 years, since women before then didn't usually live past that age. Menopause is known for hot flashes, fatigue, sweats, dryness, depression, weight gain, osteopenia and osteoporosis, decreased libido, anxiety, palpitations, and feeling invisible. I could see all the ladies nodding as each symptom was mentioned. Taint easy being a woman.

Many of us were taking hormonal replacement therapy (HRT), using lab-created hormones or ones made from pregnant horses' urine, until a study a few years ago linked HRT to a variety of nasty illnesses, like cancer and heart disease.  So, abruptly and without examining the study carefully, many or maybe even most doctors took their female menopausal and post-menopausal patients off of HRT.  Turns out that the study was flawed in many ways and really quite inaccurate.  I remember a doctor at that time telling me that the study was done on women in nursing homes who were sedentary, women who were quite different than me and my active friends.  Dr. Miller purports that keeping women's female hormones at levels similar to those in their thirties promotes wellness and optimizes health in women our age.  

Having worked in medicine for my whole career, I appreciated that Dr. Miller, early in her conventional medicine career, became jaded about how ailments were treated.  In my work, I see that the lack of female hormones can cause osteoporosis and very painful spinal compression fractures, for which my physician employer surgically injects a type of cement to build up the vertebra.  Primary care physicians treat osteoporotic patients with drugs that can cause nasty side effects and, per Dr. Miller, the patient isn't deficient in the those drugs but deficient in hormones that would have prevented the onset and progression of bone loss.  Love her thinking, I do. 

After a consultation of 3-4 hours, extensive blood testing, taking a comprehensive medical history (including diet and habits), and a variety of other examinations, Dr. Miller will consider placing her female menopausal patients on bio-identical hormones. She will talk to the patient on the phone as a courtesy before the first appointment, making sure that she is the proper provider and often will refer the patient to a fellow practitioner if the patient has unusual medical issues.  Compared to what my docs charge for their services, Dr. Miller's rates are surprisingly low.  Her all-inclusive first in-person consultation is about the price one of my patients recently paid for just his pre-operative tests at a local laboratory, so don't hesitate to consider her obviously careful and wise services because of costs.  Here's her picture - she's just as lovely in person.

So I had a yummy meal, saw some lovely friends, and was fascinated by Dr. Miller, all in one evening.  You can call Dr. Miller at 310-734-8864, visit her website at www.shiramillermd.com, or sign up for medical updates at her Facebook page at www.facebook.com/menopausedoctor.  Sounds to me like you've got nothing to lose....and lots of good health to gain.  My sincere thanks to Dr. Miller for providing my ladies with such important information that could so obviously change our lives.  

Who and how do you love?

                                                 Meet JJ Flizanes!                                                        


Lucky me, another evening with my fellow Wowettes!   Yummy potluck, fun company, and a passionate and inspiring speaker.  I read about our speaker, JJ Flizanes, and was impressed with her philosophy about finding our mate when I read her quote, "When we create our own happiness through our body and mind, we are able to naturally manifest a partner who recognizes and respects us physically, emotionally, and spiritually.” I liked reading that finding a partner was not about how we act or how we dress or our age or weight, but who we are....inside....and how we feel out ourselves.  


JJ is the author of "Fit 2 Love - How to get physically, emotionally, and spiritually fit to attract the love of your life," (a best seller on Amazon.com!) Much to my surprise and pleasure, she started her presentation with the statement that the love of our life is...ourself.   She said that we must be the person we want to be to attract love, that the blueprint of how we treat ourselves is how others treat us, and that everything we do shows how we respect and love ourselves.


So why don't we have the mate of our dreams?  Again, it's all about how we treat ourselves, the results, and our self-perceptions.  JJ gave us a written exercise called " Our Body Blueprint" to allow us to find the story we tell ourselves.  Apparently, we only hear 18% of our thoughts and the rest are put in our subconscious before we are nine-years-old. The blueprint asks about our attitudes and actions related to exercise,  diet, rest, play, and self-talk and we followed that exercise with one titled, "What Does Your Body Blueprint Say?" I was startled to see my results showed such great conflict.  I want to do the right thing and take good care of myself in all those areas, but my answers were mostly "sometimes."   It's like I still have those two creatures on my shoulders, the devil on one and the angel on the other, each telling me to do the opposite of the other.  


So I vow to follow JJ's wisdom, to listen to the angel, to love myself by taking care of myself as best as I know how, and, while waiting for the Prince to come, I will learn to love and respect .....my own rules.    Thanks, JJ, for a evening that brought each of us closer to knowing ourselves, to knowing our truth, to living a more loving life.  (If you want to be a better person, to make your own life better, you can reach the lovely JJ at www.fit2love.info.)

He what?!?!?

Geez, time flies.  We had a Wow meeting recently and finally here's the scoop on what happened.  We were supposed to have a Q&A about dating and relationships with a local life coach-therapist-dating column writer, but she flaked at the last minute, so I thought we'd just go ahead and talk about the questions ourselves, since the ladies had each sent me a few ahead of time.  I asked the questions and what followed, of course, was a fun, silly, and occasionally informative time with the Wowettes.

I started with the obvious and easy questions, like "Why do men take your number and never call you?"  (Because they really aren't interested.) "Should you sleep with someone you are attracted to on the 1st date?"  (YES!  NO!)   "Is it OK for the woman to make the 1st move?"  (YES! Which led to, "what moves should the woman make?" Most said that it was good to encourage the guy, with a smile or a look or a hello, and then let him take the lead.  Who wants a guy who can't 'be the man'!)

Then the tougher questions.  "Why is it that you can spend a whole evening with a man who makes a point of expressing his attraction to you, his enjoyment of the evening together, that your goals are mutual, asks that you call when you get home from the meeting, and then you never hear from him again....why bother with all those words if he wasn't interested?"  (They changed their mind?  They are nuts?  It's good they showed you who they really are, by not being honest, right away?)

Another tough one.  "We all have baggage, such as health or financial issues or that we're taking care of ailing parents....at what stage do we talk about these?"   (Not on the first meeting.  As the issues arise, such as not being able to see him on a certain night because that's the night we see our mom.  Over time, slowly, but not all the details of the situation until the relationship shows it might be getting more serious. And we certainly want to hear their issues before too much time goes by....)

Tough again.  "Why is it that men have difficulty with our close friend of the opposite sex....are they lacking in close relationships themselves so they don't understand ours?"  (They're jealous, so drop them....or maybe it's better to back off a little from those friendships when we find a guy we might want for a relationship.)

And finally, my favorite."Since we're pretty much stuck with internet dating in this point in time, how do we get past the guys who, in face-to-face life, wouldn't attract a woman but can put anything they want on their online profile, such as a picture when they had hair and no belly....and ask for the woman of their fantasies...like they present themselves as so fabulous when they're not and asking for a petite, slim, blonde, fit mate who will ride on their Harley with them into the sunset?"  (This one pretty much stumped the ladies....until one who has been internet dating for a long time said that she is beginning to notice that the men she is meeting online seem to be more realistic, seeking a sincere mate their own age who understands them and will be an equal partner. Oh, that's comforting...I like the thought of that!)

So we had fun, laughed a lot, learned a few things, met a few new and very nice ladies, and shared a yummy meal and dessert.  As usual!